Archives for November 2013

Tracking devices: don’t let your pets or kids leave home without one.

It was only a matter of time. That’s what I thought as I read this article in the New York Times, which discusses ways in which GPS, Wi-Fi, and other tracking technologies are now being applied to parenting.

Specifically, the article mentions the Filip and the Trax. The Filip is worn like a watch, but acts as a tracking device. Beyond being able to map a child’s location, a parent can make voice calls to the device. And just in case things get real dicey, the watch comes equipped with a panic button that the child can push, which then activates the system to call parents or other authorized caregivers.

The Trax looks like a mini pager and clips onto the child’s clothing. Parents pair it with an app, which allows them to monitor exactly where the child is at all times. Parents have the ability to draw boundaries in which their children are free to roam. Wander outside the invisible fence and parents will be notified.  It’s not quite the same as micro-chipping our children shortly after they’re born, but I wouldn’t put it beyond anyone to try and sell us that “benefit” either.

As a parent who has experienced that sick, panicked feeling of not knowing where her child is, I can see the appeal of these technologies. And in certain situations, I can understand how devices such as these could be really helpful – the ability to rent one for a day while visiting an amusement park, for instance. But peer just below the surface and think about the ramifications of making tracking technologies a part of daily life. It’s murky, and the unintended consequences of tracking our kids’ every movement are swimming all around us.

Once such consequence is the undertone of anxiety it places on daily life. Sending a child into the world with a technology for “just in case” situations teaches them that the world is a dangerous place. We don’t have to say a word. By slapping on a watch or any other device, we’re implying that the possibility of something really bad happening is very real. When the CEO of Filip Technologies was asked about this very issue, he agreed that his product might increase a child’s anxiety, but said “… I would question whether that’s a bad thing.”  Kids need a lot of things these days – more free time, opportunities for open-ended play, unconditional love, good schools, safe and loving homes. They do not need anxiety added to that list.

Then there is the issue of trust. These devices imply to our kids that not only are we wary of the world around them, it sends a message that we don’t trust them.  In her independent endeavors, Elena has done a few things that haven’t been the best choices. She’s disappointed us, and yes, she’s broken our trust. But it is a far more memorable thing for a child to have experienced what it feels like to lose a privilege as a consequence of broken trust than to hear the implied message these Big Brother-type devices send to them: We never trusted you in the first place. Critics will ask if I’m okay with the possibility that these poor choices my child makes might result in injury or a dangerous situation. And my reply is always the same. Far better that she experience the negative consequence of a poor choice when the stakes are relatively small, and learn from it, than to wait for her to grow up and think she will magically know how to conduct herself as an adult when the stakes are high.

This kind of technology creates a false sense of security, and I’m afraid dependence on them will replace one of our most valuable and trusted human characteristics – our gut instinct. It’s that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something just isn’t right … whether it comes from you or your child, that so often saves us from doing something potentially dangerous. When we let a device decide for us, what happens to that instinct? I fear that it’s like a muscle. When we don’t use it, when we fail to listen to it, it loses its strength.

If any of the above reasons weren’t enough to convince a parent that maybe, just maybe, this isn’t the best idea we’ve come up with, let me point out that the makers of the Trax tout the dual benefit of the device … it can also be used to keep tabs on the family pet. Yes, son, we think you are about as responsible and capable of good judgement as Fido here. Don’t you just feel so empowered to make good decisions now?

Parents, when it comes to tracking devices for kids, save your money. Instead, choose to invest your time, effort and patience into showing your kids how to be independent and responsible … without someone or something watching over them every step of the way.

Good Question is a Risky Kids series where readers submit their burning questions in return for feedback from myself and the Risky Kid community.  If you have any Good Questions, please share them in the comments, on our Facebook page, or email them to Angie at theriskykids at gmail dot com. I’m looking forward to lots of Good Questions and more importantly, all of your Good Answers!

I get asked this question (or some variant of “How old were your kids when you let them do ________ by themselves?”) a lot. In regards to public restrooms, we’re talking about two scenarios. One, you are out with your child of the opposite sex. They need to use the restroom and have expressed dismay at having to use the restroom that is clearly not for them. In the other scenario, your child of the same sex expresses the same dismay at having you follow them around in the bathroom when they feel quite capable of handling it themselves. I’ll give you the short answer and the long answer.

The short answer is five. That’s the age when I start letting my kids go into a public restroom without me. Does that freak you out? Probably. And so let me go into my long answer …

In any of these types of “How old should my kid be” scenarios, I have to stress that there is no magic age or right answer. There is always an age range. I like to think of it as a scale. On one end you have absolutely not ready, which fades into possibly ready, followed by go for it, with let go, already on the other end of the scale. Many factors need to be taken into consideration, including your comfort level, the surrounding situation, your child’s maturity level, your child’s desire, and age. It’s only after looking at all the factors that you can accurately determine if your child is ready for a situation.

I’ll use Eli, who is 6, and the public restroom issue as an example. Six is an acceptable age (in our family) for using a public restroom alone. As early as five, his desire to do this task on his own was there. He is a rule-follower, and it deeply pained him to use a girls’ restroom when, clearly, he was not a girl! He was also capable of completing the task on his own (shutting and locking the door, dealing with zippers and buttons, flushing, washing and drying his hands). I saw him on the go for it section of the scale.

At this younger age, as each individual restroom situation arises, I check myself against the other factors to see what we need to do. What’s my comfort level? Are we at the Target we shop at all the time, where I can sit and wait on the bench for him just outside the door? Or is it an unfamiliar, and maybe somewhat shady, restroom situation? What’s the surrounding situation? Is it a single person restroom? Is there a family restroom available? Can I see who is entering and leaving the restroom easily? I look at these factors in combination with his age, desire, and maturity level and then decide if he goes alone or if he goes with me.

At this age, it’s a toss-up whether he actually goes alone or not. Some places are ok, others he needs to stick with me. In a year or two, he’ll always go by himself, as his big sister does.

How did you decide it was time for your kids to use the public restroom by themselves? Has anyone ever give you grief for letting your kids go by themselves? Or has anyone ever raised a stink (pun totally intended) about having your child of the opposite sex in the restroom with you?